Thursday, December 10, 2020
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Observations from the Outside
I think I was born in the wrong time, or on the wrong planet. Almost nobody here seems to get that words do have meaning, and we can't just change the definitions to suit our purposes. Also, people don't know how to discuss their differences respectfully anymore, if they ever did. This has been bugging me for years now, and it's only gotten worse in the last few. Sometimes I wonder if we are watching the death of civilization.
Monday, September 19, 2011
It's probably good that I don't drink
After the day I have had, I want to drink myself into oblivion, anything to relieve the pain. So, it's probably a pretty good thing I don't drink. I have a glass of milk, so probably a midnight case of wheezing. For some reason, milk at night sometimes seems to cause that for me. Maybe I should pour this out. It's a comfort thing. I don't really even want a glass of milk.
I want a way out of feeling like a big failure. I want a relationship with my kids that isn't tainted by some funky degree of autism with a name that sounds like a 5th grade schoolyard insult. That's not coming though is it? Not now, not ever. I guess I am having a first class pity party here, but I am so tired.
I just spent the last 3 hours enduring awful verbal abuse from an 11 year old child. It was a total meltdown over having to do a writing assignment that could have been finished in 30 minutes or less.
I am not equipped for this. I am mad, I am hurt, I feel completely abandoned. God must be in this somewhere. Everyone insists that it's so, but I surely am not seeing Him. I want to throw a tantrum of my own. Nobody's here to see my tantrum, so I guess I will just cry into my glass of milk. It IS in a pint glass, so I guess it counts.
I want a way out of feeling like a big failure. I want a relationship with my kids that isn't tainted by some funky degree of autism with a name that sounds like a 5th grade schoolyard insult. That's not coming though is it? Not now, not ever. I guess I am having a first class pity party here, but I am so tired.
I just spent the last 3 hours enduring awful verbal abuse from an 11 year old child. It was a total meltdown over having to do a writing assignment that could have been finished in 30 minutes or less.
I am not equipped for this. I am mad, I am hurt, I feel completely abandoned. God must be in this somewhere. Everyone insists that it's so, but I surely am not seeing Him. I want to throw a tantrum of my own. Nobody's here to see my tantrum, so I guess I will just cry into my glass of milk. It IS in a pint glass, so I guess it counts.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Would you take a Pill?
One thing I have heard people say about Aspergers traits, is "Would you take a pill if you could that would make you normal." It's a question I have been asking myself all of my life, even before I ever heard of Asperger's Syndrome.
Actually, I have ask myself many times throughout my life is would I trade 10 or even 20 IQ points to be like everyone else, perceive the world like everyone else, fit in like everyone else. I almost always decided that I wouldn't. Now I think I made the wrong choice, or at least maybe the wrong choice.
Of course, I don't know that it matters. It's a moot point because God hasn't opened up the Normal Behavior Trading Post for business just yet. Maybe there would be so many people lined up for that grand opening that the whole system would bog down for all eternity. If everyone traded in who they are to be who they think they should be, I think that would mess with the Plan.
However, if I could have somehow negotiated my way into trading in the hand I was dealt for a brand new hand, I might have tried it this week. I have never felt so hobbled by my inability to understand unspoken cues as this week. Things other people expect me to just get intuitively are so far beyond me that I can't even see they exist, much less trying to decipher them. God, why can't people just have the guts to say what they mean! Argghh!
My life repeatedly ends up a huge mess because not only do I not understand this stuff, I don't even see this stuff. How can I fight the invisible? I am not God, I am just me. Apparently that isn't good enough, and how can I guide someone else through it if I can't find my own way through this maze? Being pretty smart doesn't mean squat if you are completely socially disabled.
Actually, I have ask myself many times throughout my life is would I trade 10 or even 20 IQ points to be like everyone else, perceive the world like everyone else, fit in like everyone else. I almost always decided that I wouldn't. Now I think I made the wrong choice, or at least maybe the wrong choice.
Of course, I don't know that it matters. It's a moot point because God hasn't opened up the Normal Behavior Trading Post for business just yet. Maybe there would be so many people lined up for that grand opening that the whole system would bog down for all eternity. If everyone traded in who they are to be who they think they should be, I think that would mess with the Plan.
However, if I could have somehow negotiated my way into trading in the hand I was dealt for a brand new hand, I might have tried it this week. I have never felt so hobbled by my inability to understand unspoken cues as this week. Things other people expect me to just get intuitively are so far beyond me that I can't even see they exist, much less trying to decipher them. God, why can't people just have the guts to say what they mean! Argghh!
My life repeatedly ends up a huge mess because not only do I not understand this stuff, I don't even see this stuff. How can I fight the invisible? I am not God, I am just me. Apparently that isn't good enough, and how can I guide someone else through it if I can't find my own way through this maze? Being pretty smart doesn't mean squat if you are completely socially disabled.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Tea, sex and a candy bar
I guess this blog entry will be very revealing about how my crazy mind works.
Why did I do it? I should have known better. I was thirsty and a little peckish, and on my way to grocery shop. You don't grocery shop thirsty and hungry, or at least it probably isn't the best idea ever.
So, I grabbed an Arizona Green Tea, and a 100 Grand bar at Walgreens when I was there getting some good Register Rewards bargains for the week. Good idea in general, but poor execution.
Somewhere between Walgreens and Publix: I popped the tab on my Green Tea, and took a couple of wonderfully refreshing sips. The subtle sweetness was tantalizing for the tastebuds. I love that stuff! Then came the big mistake. I opened one end of the candy. I took my first bite, put the candy bar down in the passenger seat, and reached again for the tea.
Eww! The subtle sweet flavor of honey and ginseng was replaced by a bitter taste that made my mouth pucker like an unripe persimmon! What changed, my tea? No, of course not. The tea was the same. The overwhelming fake sweetness of the candy bar just made the tea seem bitter. Like pancakes with orange juice, you just don't go there.
My brain then said. "Hey, this is like sex!" "Sex in the right context, inside of a healthy relationship, is like the tea. Refreshing, sustaining, real, and healthy for your life, like a bit of honey in your tea. However, much like junk food, and candy bars, sex in the wrong context might seem pretty appealing. The Hundred Grand bar on the shelf certainly seemed appealing. However, there is nothing of worth there. Not only is there nothing of worth, but there is harm and destruction. Sure, you might get away with junk food for a while, but in the end nothing good can come of it.
Not only that, but engaging in sex in the wrong context can actually ruin it for you when the right time comes along. Much like the way I didn't so much enjoy the tea because my taste had acclimated to the candy. Everything from sexualized advertising to the easy availability of porn to the acceptability of casual sex is pounded into our heads daily until we almost think it prudish to wait. So for many people, there is a steady of diet of pure junk before they ever discover they joy of a healthy sexual relationship. In fact, for some people I think because they are so accustomed to settling for the junk, they never discover the beauty of the way it could have been.
Fortunately there is help for both situations, a palette cleanser. Almost every morning of my life, I eat breakfast cereal. Usually Special K with Red Berries, or something with the word Raisin in the front of the name. Then I have a cup of coffee, but not right away. First I drink some water and wait a few minutes. Otherwise I put way too much sugar in the coffee, because it doesn't taste sweet after the cereal. The drink of water acts as a palette cleanser. Much like a little cracker at a wine tasting.
Jesus spoke of living water. That living water can also act as a palette cleanser. No matter what we have done, how we might have messed up, God provided a way for us to rid ourselves of the spiritual junk food we have filled ourselves with, and restore ourselves to health. It is possible to find the joy that we have denied ourselves by settling for a cheap facsimile of what He had planned. Living water, I like the sound of that.
So, kind of crazy to get all that from a bittersweet sip of tea, but there you go. It's my brain and I most days I think I'll keep it.
Why did I do it? I should have known better. I was thirsty and a little peckish, and on my way to grocery shop. You don't grocery shop thirsty and hungry, or at least it probably isn't the best idea ever.
So, I grabbed an Arizona Green Tea, and a 100 Grand bar at Walgreens when I was there getting some good Register Rewards bargains for the week. Good idea in general, but poor execution.
Somewhere between Walgreens and Publix: I popped the tab on my Green Tea, and took a couple of wonderfully refreshing sips. The subtle sweetness was tantalizing for the tastebuds. I love that stuff! Then came the big mistake. I opened one end of the candy. I took my first bite, put the candy bar down in the passenger seat, and reached again for the tea.
Eww! The subtle sweet flavor of honey and ginseng was replaced by a bitter taste that made my mouth pucker like an unripe persimmon! What changed, my tea? No, of course not. The tea was the same. The overwhelming fake sweetness of the candy bar just made the tea seem bitter. Like pancakes with orange juice, you just don't go there.
My brain then said. "Hey, this is like sex!" "Sex in the right context, inside of a healthy relationship, is like the tea. Refreshing, sustaining, real, and healthy for your life, like a bit of honey in your tea. However, much like junk food, and candy bars, sex in the wrong context might seem pretty appealing. The Hundred Grand bar on the shelf certainly seemed appealing. However, there is nothing of worth there. Not only is there nothing of worth, but there is harm and destruction. Sure, you might get away with junk food for a while, but in the end nothing good can come of it.
Not only that, but engaging in sex in the wrong context can actually ruin it for you when the right time comes along. Much like the way I didn't so much enjoy the tea because my taste had acclimated to the candy. Everything from sexualized advertising to the easy availability of porn to the acceptability of casual sex is pounded into our heads daily until we almost think it prudish to wait. So for many people, there is a steady of diet of pure junk before they ever discover they joy of a healthy sexual relationship. In fact, for some people I think because they are so accustomed to settling for the junk, they never discover the beauty of the way it could have been.
Fortunately there is help for both situations, a palette cleanser. Almost every morning of my life, I eat breakfast cereal. Usually Special K with Red Berries, or something with the word Raisin in the front of the name. Then I have a cup of coffee, but not right away. First I drink some water and wait a few minutes. Otherwise I put way too much sugar in the coffee, because it doesn't taste sweet after the cereal. The drink of water acts as a palette cleanser. Much like a little cracker at a wine tasting.
Jesus spoke of living water. That living water can also act as a palette cleanser. No matter what we have done, how we might have messed up, God provided a way for us to rid ourselves of the spiritual junk food we have filled ourselves with, and restore ourselves to health. It is possible to find the joy that we have denied ourselves by settling for a cheap facsimile of what He had planned. Living water, I like the sound of that.
So, kind of crazy to get all that from a bittersweet sip of tea, but there you go. It's my brain and I most days I think I'll keep it.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Perfectly Logical Insanity
Twenty feet up a tree, wearing a swim suit, and my son's shoes, with a ball of yarn, a tupperware container and a very sharp pair of KitchenAid shears. Yep, if you had driven or walked down my street that is what you might have seen. Insanity of a sort perhaps, but perfectly logical if you could have gotten inside my head at that moment.
The day started with a plan, a simple well-laid plan. First to buy a swim mask at Big Lots, then to the bank, then to the Smyrna pool with Andrew for a leisurely afternoon in the sun. However, as any warrior knows, the best strategic battle planning never lasts beyond the first engagement.
When we got to Big Lots, Andrew got out of the car asking if there was a bird in the car. "No, Andrew, there couldn't possibly be a bird in our car." We got the swim mask, and drove to the bank. On the way, at the red light, I heard this strange chirping noise. Could it be a belt in my car, or some weird car problem that sounds like a bird? The light turned green; the noise stopped. We arrived at the bank, went in, made a deposit, and cool! We were ready for the pool!
Getting into the car, Andrew said "Mom, I told you there was a bird in the car." "What?!, Where?! How?!" Well, sure enough, in that tiny area between the windshield and the hood, a baby Robin was trapped, hiding just under the hood, barely visible.
Carefully, and slowly, we raised the hood while a nice bank customer brought out paper towels to lift the bird from its mobile prison. We gently scooped it up, placed it in the passenger seat and drove home forgetting the glistening siren call of cool blue water on a 90+ degree morning.
Google pointed us to the Walden's Puddle website, a licensed wildlife rehab in Joelton, TN. A very helpful website that instructs tree climbing amateurs such as myself to risk life and limb (no pun intended) to put the baby bird back into its nest should such nest be found. Yes, we found said nest, with hole in the bottom where the unfortunate bird must have fallen through onto my windshield, sliding down under the hood.
What now, Google? Oh, well that sounds easy enough. Get the nest material from the tree, place it in a basket, climb the tree, and tie the new "nest" into the tree as high as you can place it. Then watch it to see if the mother comes back. No problem!
So, two hours later still in my swimsuit and cover up, I am precariously lodged twenty feet in the air with a sharp pair of scissors and yarn in one hand and a Tupperware nest and bird in the other when an epiphany of sorts arrived in my probably crazy brain.
We all see life through our own experiences and lenses. That's all we can do, really. We can't see inside anyone else's experience though we try. That's true for everyone NT's, aspies, geeks, cheerleaders, teachers, parents, politicians, pastors, everyone. Life would be so much better if we all saw that and accepted it, and kept it in mind when dealing with people we don't quite understand.
So the next time you see a middle aged woman up a tree with scissors and a swimsuit on, maybe it's a perfectly logical insanity.
The day started with a plan, a simple well-laid plan. First to buy a swim mask at Big Lots, then to the bank, then to the Smyrna pool with Andrew for a leisurely afternoon in the sun. However, as any warrior knows, the best strategic battle planning never lasts beyond the first engagement.
When we got to Big Lots, Andrew got out of the car asking if there was a bird in the car. "No, Andrew, there couldn't possibly be a bird in our car." We got the swim mask, and drove to the bank. On the way, at the red light, I heard this strange chirping noise. Could it be a belt in my car, or some weird car problem that sounds like a bird? The light turned green; the noise stopped. We arrived at the bank, went in, made a deposit, and cool! We were ready for the pool!
Getting into the car, Andrew said "Mom, I told you there was a bird in the car." "What?!, Where?! How?!" Well, sure enough, in that tiny area between the windshield and the hood, a baby Robin was trapped, hiding just under the hood, barely visible.
Carefully, and slowly, we raised the hood while a nice bank customer brought out paper towels to lift the bird from its mobile prison. We gently scooped it up, placed it in the passenger seat and drove home forgetting the glistening siren call of cool blue water on a 90+ degree morning.
Google pointed us to the Walden's Puddle website, a licensed wildlife rehab in Joelton, TN. A very helpful website that instructs tree climbing amateurs such as myself to risk life and limb (no pun intended) to put the baby bird back into its nest should such nest be found. Yes, we found said nest, with hole in the bottom where the unfortunate bird must have fallen through onto my windshield, sliding down under the hood.
What now, Google? Oh, well that sounds easy enough. Get the nest material from the tree, place it in a basket, climb the tree, and tie the new "nest" into the tree as high as you can place it. Then watch it to see if the mother comes back. No problem!
So, two hours later still in my swimsuit and cover up, I am precariously lodged twenty feet in the air with a sharp pair of scissors and yarn in one hand and a Tupperware nest and bird in the other when an epiphany of sorts arrived in my probably crazy brain.
We all see life through our own experiences and lenses. That's all we can do, really. We can't see inside anyone else's experience though we try. That's true for everyone NT's, aspies, geeks, cheerleaders, teachers, parents, politicians, pastors, everyone. Life would be so much better if we all saw that and accepted it, and kept it in mind when dealing with people we don't quite understand.
So the next time you see a middle aged woman up a tree with scissors and a swimsuit on, maybe it's a perfectly logical insanity.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Today at the Smithsonian was so much fun! I actually ended up buying an Einstein bobble head like the ones in "Night at the Smithsonian." Once I saw it, I had to have it. I thought Ariel's face was going to crack, she was smiling so much at the Wright Flyer exhibit, and when she saw Amelia Earhart's Lockheed.
It was a beautiful day to be out walking on the mall. Unlike yesterday, the sun was out in full force. The sky was brilliant blue, and the cherry blossoms fell like fragrant snowflakes from the trees. It was fun to share the sights and sounds of Washington, D.C. with Ariel and Andrew, much the same way my parents shared them with me when I was about that same age.
Sadly, the evening took a bad turn. Ariel got sick in the car, and her stomach just couldn't stand any more, so we are stuck in Lexington with Pepto Bismol and anti-nausea chewing gum. Hoping, praying that tomorrow will see an end to this, so we can get home, and she will feel better.
It's 11:33 here, and we have a long, possibly miserable drive drive tomorrow. I should probably get Andrew to sleep. He's just enjoying cable tv, since we just have Hulu and Netflix at home. I can post more about our trip later. I guess. I have a LOT of thoughts swimming in my head. Ok, when don't I?
It was a beautiful day to be out walking on the mall. Unlike yesterday, the sun was out in full force. The sky was brilliant blue, and the cherry blossoms fell like fragrant snowflakes from the trees. It was fun to share the sights and sounds of Washington, D.C. with Ariel and Andrew, much the same way my parents shared them with me when I was about that same age.
Sadly, the evening took a bad turn. Ariel got sick in the car, and her stomach just couldn't stand any more, so we are stuck in Lexington with Pepto Bismol and anti-nausea chewing gum. Hoping, praying that tomorrow will see an end to this, so we can get home, and she will feel better.
It's 11:33 here, and we have a long, possibly miserable drive drive tomorrow. I should probably get Andrew to sleep. He's just enjoying cable tv, since we just have Hulu and Netflix at home. I can post more about our trip later. I guess. I have a LOT of thoughts swimming in my head. Ok, when don't I?
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